Meltdowns, Mascara and Organic Peanut Butter

I think we all have this expectation that when we have a meltdown, we’ll somehow look like the Disney princesses as they flawlessly toss their heads into their arms and do a few snot-free, back-heaving sobs. Who are then suddenly surrounded by their small woodland friends, all of whom have a vocabulary larger than mine, who comfort them in their weaker moments. 

But “flawless” was the furthest thing from my meltdown today as I found myself sitting in my car, full-on sobs, nose running, eyes dripping and with nothing to wipe my face with other than the sleeve of my woolen-ish sweater (ew) and my hands.  

If you’re like me, you can kind of tell when a mini-meltdown will be happening. Like how weather/science/geologist people predict something will happen within a given timeframe, they’re just not sure exactly when and what will set it off. 

Welp, I am a super-scientist when it comes to my meltdowns. I know they’re gonna happen, but since I'm a fairly even-keeled person, I don’t know what will set them off. Although when the switch is flipped, it’s usually because of something completely unrelated…that “cap on the pickle-jar” scenario. It's usually something ridiculous, like the trash bag not fitting on the lid of the trashcan. And rather than pleasantly giving up and buying different trash bags like a normal, sane person, we stretch that sucker until it breaks and the trash can flips over. 

“Oh my gosh, why are you crying Lindsey??”

“The f*cking trash bag won’t fit on the f*cking trash can and it’s so stupid and I’m just so sick of this shit!!”

It wasn’t a trashcan that set me off today; it was finding zero parking spots in my neighborhood. Like zilch. All the ones I did find were free because of the street cleaning tomorrow, which was exactly why I was moving my car in the first place. After about 20 minutes of zooming around, I finally gave up and angrily jerked my car from drive to reverse from drive to reverse until I was backed into an open spot that was indeed marked for street cleaning tomorrow. And then I burst into tears. 

A few weeks of going from my day job (which I love) to my apartment to do my work (building my health and fitness coaching business), with too little sleep and too much coffee, already had my poor adrenals on high alert. I wasn’t giving myself enough breathing time. 

I love every single thing I am doing; it is a lot of work, but at the same time, it doesn’t feel like it. If I need to stay up until midnight to get my projects done, then so be it! I’m full of passion for what I’m creating and doing. The last few weekends have been great…but filled with work. Again, something I’m totally, 100% willing to do. Another under-lying factor is that I am confident in what I’m doing, but at the same time, I also feel like I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. I just keep believing in myself, taking action and feeling so blessed that I have support from amazing people.

But I could feel the breaking point coming where I would need to release the stress and adrenaline. I had hoped that it would be via a sad movie sob session or maybe even through a longer meditation (in my dreams), but no. Blubbering in my car. And then proudly prancing down Broderick Street to my apartment, face mildly streaked with make up and mascara (it was cute. And one more contributing factor to #thesinglelife.)

So, my meltdown wasn’t flawless. It was gushing, full of snot and clearly non-waterproof mascara. At the same time, it was fantastic and much needed. 

But I can tell you what I am flawlessly doing right now is sitting on the floor of my apartment writing this with a spoonful of peanut butter in my mouth (it’s organic with no additives, thank you). This was post-forced-cuddle session with my bird, which, for those of you who know birds, “cuddling” isn’t their forte. He loved it though. I know it.  

Anyways, I’m gonna go make dinner. 

I know, there were no “action steps to make you life healthier and happier” in this post. But I hope this was a story that provided entertainment and a sense that we all have “those kinds of days.” A relatable "fairytale."

Lots of love from the health and fitness coach who still stress-eats peanut butter once in a while. Peace out friends. 

Let Go of Perfect

My vlog topic today: Perfection. 

How our idea and definition of "perfect" or "perfection," can be really limiting. 

For me personally, I tend to not post videos or blogs because I don't think they're "perfect" enough. Or I don't look "good enough" to post a video. I'm too embarrassed. Or I'm afraid that my idea isn't be "perfect" enough to be shared. Hell, it keeps me from wearing certain clothes sometimes because I don't think my body looks "perfect" or "good enough" to wear it. 

But I don't think I'm the only one being held back by that unattainable ideal of "perfect." It's ok for us to want things to be polished, professional, well-thought out, etc...but when it comes to us limiting or holding ourselves back because we're waiting for ourselves or something external to be "perfect"....Eff no. Let it go. Release it. 

So this video (far from my idea of "perfect") is me standing up to my standard of perfect when it comes to my writing and sharing of ideas. Shit, the video doesn't even fill up the entire YouTube screen ;) 

Enjoy! I'd love to hear any thoughts/ideas on this topic!

P.S. Since making this video I have found out my "temporary" living situation will now be my "permanent" living situation. Huzzah! 

Just Because...

Small Acts of Kindness: How My Coffee Habit Made Me Feel At Home

Life is all about human connection. Well, mostly. And not "let-me-comment-on-your-Instagram-post" kind of connection. Like real, face-to-face, human connection.

Here’s a fun little anecdote about how my Starbucks Coffee habit addiction made me feel more at home.

I moved to Napa at the end of February, not knowing anyone, anything…just an empty apartment and me. I was fortunate enough to be in a work environment that made me feel like I had a family and life in Napa by the end of my first month here. But I was still obviously adjusting and getting to know the area. I felt like I had friends, but the idea of community was still taking form.

There was a Starbucks right down the road from me in a little shopping center. It was a 10 minute walk or a two minute drive, easy to get to before or after work, post-gym…basically what I’m trying to say is I went there often. Near the end of March, I walked in one day before work and the barista gave me my coffee for free. Surprised, I thanked him, smiled and walked out feeling grateful and happy. (Small things in life, right?)

Anyways, it happened again. And again. And again. He eventually introduced himself and his friend/co-worker. Almost every time I came in during the afternoons, he and his friend were working. And almost 100% of the time I would walk away with a free iced coffee or pay $.50 for it. 

I didn’t quite know what I had done to deserve it, but I was thankful and grateful nonetheless. Most of the time I left a tip (it was almost getting embarrassing and awkward at this point) because I didn’t feel comfortable walking away with a free coffee every time. As time went on, I got to know the two baristas and they got to know me, at least in a quick, happy conversation sense. The free coffees continued and I knew I needed to do something to “repay” them.

I looked forward to the days I went into the store…and it wasn't because of the free coffee. It was a place outside of work where I was recognized and there was always some positive engagement with the baristas.

Obviously getting them a Starbucks gift card was out of the picture. I hesitated in getting a bottle of wine. And as much as I would’ve liked to have baked them something, unfortunately that’s a little sketch nowadays (I mean, imagine the shit people could put in there?!) So I settled for some of my favorite snacks and chocolates from Trader Joe’s ( << always a good idea) and a hand-written note. The letter thanked them sincerely for their generosity and for helping instill a sense of community in me where I didn't have it before.

I dropped off the snacks and note with the main barista the other day when I was on my way to work. I was happy to finally “repay” them in a sense. When I came in this afternoon, the guy at the register greeted me and asked what I would like to drink. Half-way through my order he stopped me and said,

“Wait, you’re Lindsey, right? You’re the one that wrote that note!”

“Haha, yeah, that was me.”

“That was so sweet of you! We hung it up in the back there.”

Another girl popped her head around and said, “Oh, wait! Is that ‘Lindsey’? Oh my gosh, your note was so sweet! We loved it, thank you!”

I was a little red by now, but happy nonetheless.

At that moment, one of the two main baristas who had been part of the give-Lindsey-free-coffee campaign, came around the counter and gave me a heart-felt and sincere hug, thanking me for the note. I thanked him in turn and reiterated how much it meant to me to come in here.

I smiled like a goon while waiting for my coffee (which I paid for, THANK GOD) thanked them again and walked outside to where I sat and started writing this post.

I feel so happy. It doesn’t matter how long I live in Napa, I will always remember this afternoon. The connection, energy and kindness felt between people who are basically strangers. It goes to show that small, simple acts of kindness can make a difference to anyone. Those free coffees and snippets of conversation I had with the baristas made Napa feel more like a home to me. My very small form of re-payment meant a lot to the people there.

It’s moments like this that I am thankful for. I wasn’t hit over the head and knocked silly by some major life lesson, but I feel the same sort of shift and gratitude that comes from learning one of those life lessons.

Small acts of kindness my friends. Never underestimate that power.

The Best Piece of Advice (ever): “Pursue Everything”

The other night I struggled to fall asleep. Mindless complications in my personal life (i.e. boys/friends/work/writing/work opportunities/pet unicorns) left my brain buzzing and my eyes wide open.

None of it was necessarily bad, it just felt like I had my thoughts and emotions scattered down about 30 different paths. Different scenarios, different ideas, different thoughts, different feelings. Getting caught up in the dizzying, yet so addicting, habit of running “future scenarios” in my head. If I focused on this in my life…If I became closer to this person…If I pursued this interest and passion of mine…should I go to the gym tomorrow…why is Simon Baker married…this is what I’m going to say to this person if this happens…Lindsey. Yes? Shut up. Ok…. It. went. on. and. on.

Finally, I was beginning to drift off to sleep, managing to find comfort in the most awkward and ridiculous sleeping position ever (I mean, it was like I was doing a pirouette move in my sleep), but then…

Ding Ding. 

My phone alerted me of a new text message. It was midnight and I had to get up early the next morning. Thank God I live alone because some version of this came out of my mouth:

“WHO THE FUCK JUST TEXTED ME.”

I looked at my phone and saw a short message from a person and situation that I assumed had already had a natural ending… It was sweet, but it began a whole new wave of thoughts, questions and “what ifs” in my mind. And now my thoughts were going in 50 directions instead.

Everything became a cluster monkey in my brain and I literally started laughing out loud (again, grateful I live alone) because of the drama that I felt was surrounding my existence at that moment. (A dramatic, ego-centric thought in itself, I’m sure, but still.)

Per usual, I emailed my mom for her advice. Updating her on the different situations, problems, etc. I was essentially asking her “WTF should I do about this situation, this person, that whole thing… Mom, all I really want right now is to be paid to write and do theatre and find a way to marry Simon Baker.” (<< actual quote from my email, I kid you not.)

I sent a text back. And once the email was sent to my mother as well, my mind still continued to run its course. But like my physical body, after about one mile of “running” it began to sputter, slow down, collapse, face plant and fall asleep.

I woke up the next morning, unsure of why I felt so groggy (and, let’s face it, unsure of why the hell my alarm was going off). Then I remembered my hamster in its wheel act from the night before and I became sort of bug-eyed remembering everything that happened.

I checked my email, hoping the iPhone screen would semi wake me up. I smiled at my “Note from the Universe” and then clicked on the email my mother had sent back (thank God) with what was sure to be solid advice in what path to take, what situation/person to release from my life, what to move forward with, etc…

But her email started like this:

“Pursue everything!” 

WAT.

“Pursue everything!”

LOL. Wat.

She went on with a list of all that I should pursue…every situation, person, job idea, scenario and dream that I had asked her about the night before….I should pursue everything. Although thinking back, she never specifically said anything about the Simon Baker situation. Hmm.

Anyways, it hadn’t even occurred to me to simply “pursue everything.” I’m Lindsey and my life thrives on structure, routine and fairly solid understanding of which direction I am going.

I expected an answer that would help clarify what I should pursue, which path to take and what to release in my life. In other words, I was expecting advice that would ultimately lead to limitations, boundaries and closed opportunities.

But…why would I do that? I have no idea what will happen in the future and since none of these things on my mind were necessarily toxic to my daily and personal life, why shouldn’t I pursue each direction? Those that are meant to stay and/or teach a lesson will stick around and those that are not meant to be in my life will have a natural, organic ending.

“Pursue everything.”

What an awesome piece of effing advice.

So, I encourage you…rather than try to puzzle out your life, whether it’s with relationships, friendships, career opportunities, hobbies and passions, and restrict yourself to one path in particular, try it all. As long as something isn’t toxic, weighing heavy on your heart or bringing you or your dreams down, PURSUE IT. Putting your brain in over-drive imagining and thinking of future outcomes of different situations/people/opportunities in your life is exhausting and, in my case, causes sleep deprivation.

Release that notion that there is only one “right” answer or path to pursue. Try it all. Test all the waters. Give it all a shot. Why not? If someone or something is meant to be, the Universe will figure it out for you, not your logical brain (as lovely as its intentions are sometimes). Opening up to multiple opportunities, rather than limiting yourself to one or a few, will let so much more positive energy and opportunity flow into your life.

And with that all said and done, I’m going to finish my wine and head to bed. Mind free and clear from worrying about which path I should pursue. Because right now, I’m tryin’ it all.

The 5 Websites I'm Obsessed With

Here are my top five  favorite websites and blogs:

MindBodyGreen: "MindBodyGreen is a conversation about health, and we hope to give you the tools and information to make your life better and to inspire you to keep doing the awesome things that you're already doing "  I love this site because the articles are informative, spiritual, funny and easy to understand.

Astrostyle: IMHO, the best Astrology guide out there :)

Elite Daily: "The Voice of Generation Y" Time and time again, I find myself clicking on their articles, reading them, and then clicking on another one in the "related stories" sidebar. I kinda have a crush on this website. Like, I really want to write for them. Their articles range from humorous and spot-on about the quirks of our generation to thoughtful or heart-wrenching topics. LOVE THEM.

Greatist: "Bet you've never met a health site like this." Basically, yes. I've actually laughed out loud while reading their articles. They're my first "go-to" when researching a nutrition topic. Excellent source for down-to-earth health information and a-ma-zing recipes.

TUT.com/Notes from the Universe: Stop reading my blog (I know, it will be tough. LOLZ) and sign up for Notes from the Universe. You'll get inspirational/hilarious/wonderful/encouraging emails from "The Universe" when you wake up every morning...best part of my Monday-Friday. If you ever get a chance to hear Mike Dooley speak, do it do it do it.

Enjoy!!

Truth #1

I’ve officially at the age where if I’m checking out a guy, part of that routine includes looking at his ring finger. FML. #imgettingold