Finding Yourself: It's An Inside Job

I have a chronic fear of being stuck. As in, this (relationship, career, home, job, city, environment) is sucking my soul and how will I ever get out of it?

Up until "adulthood" (aka post-graduate life), most of us live in the distinct time frame of a school year. Semesters, quarters, summer breaks...if a class is miserable, you know you'll be done with it in December. If your roommate and apartment suck, you know you can move at the end of the semester. The chapters are short. There is always an end date.

But after graduation, at least for me, it was a wide-open expansive land of time and I guess it freaked me out more than I thought. I'm always afraid of being "stuck."

Physically, in a relationship, a career, a city, in a certain environment. It's not fear of commitment. Hell, I'll 150% commit to something I believe in and if I think it's a good thing. But it's "stuck" in the sense of believing there is no way out of a situation that drains me of energy, positivity, passion and strength. A stagnant, negative relationship. A energy draining, anxiety-filled job. Scares the crap out of me if I ever think of getting stuck in either of those things.

But at the same time I have to laugh at myself. If I ever got myself in those situations, I get the hell out. I'm just that kind of person.

So what am I afraid of?

Being vulnerable enough to stay put for more than 6-months and see what happens? Being at peace and open to whatever the Universe brings me, whether that's tomorrow or in 5 months? Currently, there is no end date to anything I'm doing. I'm fortunate to I love all that I'm doing now and where I live (yes, the car situation in SF sucks and I miss my sunny home and family in San Diego), but overall, it's pretty darn dandy.

It's the no-end-date lifestyle that I need to get used to. In the past, I probably forced those end dates a little too soon and a little too often. I would get restless and scared that I wasn't going anywhere or that I didn't know what I wanted to do...so I would try and solve that by moving. Again.

I feel as though part of my restlessness is coming from the false sense of security I get when I move to a different city or job or apartment. I think that by picking up and moving, everything will be figured out. I'll have left my problems and emotional angst in the last city. I'll be in the right place...finally. I'll find my true purpose...finally. 

But it doesn't work like that.

I realize that when I have those emotions to pick up and leave, to travel and explore (if I got a dollar for all the times I went on Hipmunk to find the cheapest plane ticket to Spain, I could pay for the damn ticket), it's because I'm outwardly searching for answers I can only find on the inside. It's a sign that I need to explore inwardly to find what I'm attempting to discover while on those daring, romantic adventures. I need to explore what is currently and presently surrounding me. Be present and real with it in that moment.

I'm where I am for a reason. The Universe is giving me all the tools to "find myself" right where I am. So by drastically shifting and moving my environment to "find myself," I prolong the whole experience. Because finding yourself isn't really a destination. It's an everyday journey that we're continually on. Yes, I believe one day we can discover our higher purposes and innate reason for being, but until then, finding ourself is being present with ourself. Where we are in that moment.

So as romantic as it sounds to "find myself" in a small cafe at the end of a winding cobblestone street in Italy or on a sunny beach in Greece...I'm not going to find myself any more than I would at the coffee shop down my street. Certainly, I can have grand discoveries or epiphanies or light-bulb moments while in those dreamy places, but it's not going to lead me any closer to that forever elusive thing I'm trying to find.

Maybe if I stop searching, I won't need to find anything. The answers are always here anyways.

Happy hacks to brighten your day (and someone else's)

Burdened...in a slump...unmotivated...down...lacking energy and a spark...

Get outside yourself. 

Whether it’s a minor annoyance you can’t seem to shake off or dissatisfaction with your current job and/or financial situation, it can weigh heavy on your mind. And the more it’s on your mind, the more energy you give it. The more energy you give it, the more it grows. 

And grows. 

And grows. 

You are perfectly justified to feel annoyed, dissatisfied, or whatever else you may be feeling. You are human and those are human emotions. You DO, however, have a choice of how much you focus on those feelings and how much power you give them over your every day happiness. 

Sometimes there isn’t a quick, easy fix for those situations in your life. It may take a while to sort out and move forward. But by changing your mindset and being conscious of your attitude, you begin to take control of your happiness from the inside out. 

I know, I know, having a “positive attitude” doesn’t make your student loans disappear. It doesn’t conjure up a flashing arrow telling you what direction to go with your life. It doesn’t stop your co-worker from being an asshole. 

When you shift your mindset to one of gratitude and happiness, rather than burden and loss, the solutions and answers have a way of appearing before us. It’s like once The Universe sees us engaging and enjoying the present moment (aka what we have, rather than what we don’t have) it goes “POOF” and there is more clarity.  

Think of it this way: the more and more we sit and wallow in our negative emotions and “live less," we make our world smaller. We live in a continuous ball of dissatisfaction. When we begin to “get outside ourselves,” meaning we get outside of that circle of negative feelings, we free ourselves from the emotional burdens of our current situation. We are declaring to The Universe that we are not going to be held back by the Johnny Rainclouds, Annoying Annies (I'm hilarious) and the “what am I doing with my life?" emotions. 

How do you get outside yourself? By not focusing on yourself.

Here are some "happy hacks" to brighten your mood and someone else's: 

1. Buy the person behind you a coffee (or another appropriate beverage/food item)
2. If you see a penny on the ground tails-up, flip it over so it is heads-up, and the next person who sees it will see a “lucky penny” (Don’t give me any germaphobe crap for that one please)
3. Watch the news regularly (seriously, it will widen your awareness and consciousness beyond your own life)
4. If you’re getting sucked into Facebook or Pinterest or some other website, close it and go for a run. Do some yoga. Start doing sit-ups. Play with your dog. ANYTHING. Just get your body moving. 
5. If you’re walking or commuting somewhere, put your phone away. No music, no Instagram, nothing that takes you away from the present moment. (Honestly, it was SO much fun when I started doing my morning walks and bus commute to work without listening to music. I engaged with my surroundings. I listened to conversations on the bus. My world went from a tiny screen to expansive and socially rich in just 15 minutes.)
6. Make dinner with friends. Meet with them for a walk. TALK. ENGAGE. No technology allowed.
7. Smile and say hello to someone on the street. Sometimes there is nothing more encouraging than connecting with a stranger.
8. Volunteer at a non-profit, a school, a homeless shelter. Donate your time somewhere.
9. Wake up early and watch the sunrise. There is nothing more peaceful and enlightening than watching a new day begin. 
10. Journal. Whether you’re a writer or not, journal. Write your heart out. Anything and everything on your mind. Don’t filter what you’re saying to the piece of paper either. Let it flow…lots of discoveries will be made. Write on your computer or in an actual notebook. Delete/shred after if you’re afraid of someone reading it.  

I hope these “happy hacks” help if you’re ever in a slump one day or are just feeling burdened with seemingly impossible responsibilities and choices. Remember though, you are totally justified to feel any feelings you're having. Always. Respect what you are feeling, but don’t let it become an energy suck and vibrancy vacuum. 

I know I have a tendency to wallow in overwhelming feelings, bring myself down and get lost in the “what am I doing with my life…I can’t do that” emotions. When that happens, I shut my computer down, lace up my shoes and go for a run. I take a walk to the coffee shop. I smile and say hello to strangers. I get outside myself. Before I know it, it starts to become a habit. The things burdening me before become smaller when I engage with the simple, rewarding beauty of the present moment around me.

Break Free From Resentment and Follow Your Dreams

Resentment lingers. Resentment gets under our skin. Resentment makes us feel stuck. Resentment is that residual shit that can stick around waaaayyy too long if we're not careful. Resentment is a normal, natural human feeling. We all have it. I've certainly felt it before!

But the most important thing to do when dealing with resentment is identify it, work through it and release it. The more we hold on to resentment, the bigger and deeper it grows. It becomes a burden and makes it harder for us to reach our true potential...in our careers, relationships, happiness, love.

Who wants to deal with any of that? "Not I," said the Little Red Hen. (<< I'm a dork.)

Anyways, it occurred to me the other day that there are two forms of resentment. Yes, two.

Resentment #1: Resentment toward the thing/person/job/object that is keeping you from following your heart and doing what your intuition is telling (read: YELLING) at you to do. Basically, Resentment #1 is the external object/person to whom your resentment is directed.

Resentment #2: Resentment toward yourself. Yes, your own self. Not many people think about this one. But by not trusting and following your intuition, you are not honoring yourself or your feelings. You are not honoring what your heart is telling you and instead, you are pushing that invaluable inner-voice away. By doing so, you are telling your mind and body that you don’t respect and honor what it has to say. This creates a quieter, but certainly deeper, form of resentment. One that usually crops up via emotional outbursts, negativity, lack of self-care and self-love and dis-ease…

Logically and “on-paper” following your dreams and gut feelings can sometimes be irrational and seemingly unachievable. Or you feel like you’ve made a commitment to someone/something and you can’t get away from it. You’ll feel too guilty if you "quit,” even though your body and mind is aching for you to follow a different path... Honor those feelings of commitment and thank them for being there. But then remind yourself that the one-and-only true commitment you have is to yourself, your happiness and your life.  This is YOUR life. Not your parent’s, not your boss’s, not your friend’s, not society’s. YOURS. Listen to those voices inside you. And when you try to beat your inner voice down with logic, ask yourself, “Whose voice is this?” Most of the time, I’ll guarantee, it’s not yours. Is it your parents’? Your friends? Mr/Mrs. Social Norm?

If you’re not honoring your feelings and your life’s calling, you’re not honoring yourself. If you want to be the best you can be, make the biggest difference in this world, be the person shining and giving light to others…you have to have that shining light coming from within yourself first. You have to be (truly) happy and fulfilled (or on your way to be) before you can make others happy. End of story.

For example, if you got your degree in Engineering, are working at a firm and it's not bringing your joy, but have always had a passion for baking and a dream to own your own bakery…do something about it. Start listening to those inner voices and intuition, start journaling and finding exactly what it is that you want. Then start making a financial plan, or something more on the “logical” side, to make it happen. Will your family/friends/significant other/etc. think you’re crazy and irresponsible? Maybe. Maybe not. If they are trying to hold you back, it’s usually because you’re mirroring back to them what they never had the guts to do: follow their dreams. Remember, no matter how tough and confusing the journey may be and how unsupported and alone you may feel at certain points, you will ALWAYS find the strength and support you need within yourself (and the Universe, but I don't want to sound too airy-fairy.) Things seem to click when you tune into your body's voice and purpose.

Your family and friends will come around, especially when they see how happy and successful you truly are because you followed your gut. They always do. And besides, you’ll make a lot of new, like-minded friends at that bakery you’re interning at ;)

I understand there are a million more factors going into "following your dreams" and making changes in your life to reflect that...responsibility to your family, your financial situation, etc., but even baby steps toward your dream and releasing that resentment will do wonders for your happiness.

When my mind and intuition are having a smack-down, here's what I tend to journal about:

1.  How do I want to feel? Which path and/or opportunity makes me feel that way?
2.  What are the pros and cons of each situation, path or opportunity?
3. If you had no attachments to anyone or anything in this world, if there was no one to judge you, give you an opinion or approve/disapprove of your decision, what would you choose to do?  (I know, I know, crappy scenario, but this question REALLY hit-home with me when I was going through some major decision making in my life. The question was basically asking, What Would Lindsey Do? There were no other voices in my head, except my own.)

It may take some time to release resentment, but the first and most positive step you can take is identifying it and understanding why it's there and where it came from. Then figure out ways that you can release this resentment. You'll feel freer, lighter, happier and more in-tune with your path than ever before.

3 Powerful Journaling Exercises

1. The Morning Pages

The Morning Pages "are a stream of consciousness written in a journal first thing in the morning." When we first wake up we aren't fully, 100% conscious and a lot of our filters our down. This gives us easier access to our inner, deeper feelings and emotions. So for 10 minutes, or aim for 2 solid pages of writing, write your heart out. Doesn't matter what you write about. Write A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G. Whatever crosses your mind. Nothing is too trivial, insignificant, bad or weird to write down. No need to censor, as you will be the only one reading it. You can also do this "stream of consciousness" writing anytime of the day if mornings don't work out for you.

Even if you feel like you have nothing to write, start with exactly that. I've started my Morning Pages with: "I hate this. It's so stupid. I'm exhausted, tired and I don't feel like writing. My hand doesn't even work right now. What the fuck. I don't know what to write. I feel so frustrated all the time because ___________" .... and then I'm off in a very therapeutic dimension. Five pages later I feel a lot lighter, usually have pinpointed the root cause of my distress and I'm off and running for the day.

2. Journaling prompts to help you cultivate a more positive mindset:

• Five things you are grateful for and why
• Five things you accomplished today
• What are you proud of?
• I feel my best when _____________.
• What makes me the unique/sexy/awesome person that I am?
• What makes me feel light, free, open and spontaneous?

3. Journaling prompts to hone-in on your goals, desires and what you really want to do:

• If I had no other voices in my head influencing what I do and the decisions I make, what would I do? Where would I go? What would I try? What is it that I really want?
• How do I want to feel in life?
• What actions steps, changes and activities can I engage in to make myself feel this way?
• How will I feel by accomplishing my dreams and goals?
• How and why will I be successful in these endeavors?
• Write your intention (I will....I intend to....I desire....)

Happy writing!